Merriam-Webster’s definition of integrity:
1: firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values: incorruptibility
2: an unimpaired condition: soundness
3: the quality or state of being complete or undivided: Completeness
synonyms: honesty
We first learn about integrity through our parents as models of integrity. Our key significant relationships also teach us about integrity.How we represent ourselves in the physical world through our actions reveal our personal integrity.Alignment of the self through our personal integrity of love and joy, even in the midst of transitions, enables us to be accountable for our own lives. In relationships, for there to be any relationship at all, integrity is paramount. And this is true for all relationships.
In relationships between a man and a woman, one’s integrity involves clear communication. Spoken expectations and understandings are important after the courtship, dating or complimentary phase of emotional connection (or if you want to be down and dirty depending on your emotion makeup and the kind of relationship you desire, sometimes directly communicating what you both want can be more efficient). Clear communication of expectations and understandings enable the relationship to be built on a solid structure and a solid structure creates a win-win relationship.
Because people grow in self-awareness about their identity and with that may come change and separations in relationships, this does not mean that the giving, particularly in terms of the unquantifiable aspects of what the woman has given or gives, should be dismissed, not honored or disrespected, especially when children are involved. In the case where respect and compassion for the life created have diminished, the question of integrity appears. Ask yourself, when a break-up has occurred or is occurring, has there been or is there honor in character and integrity through action in valuing what was or what is? Often times, when expectations are not communicated clearly during the structuring phase of a relationship and particularly when a win-win relationship for some reason has not been or can not be established, integrity plays a key role. At this point, seemingly victims and villains emerge. And don’t let guilt or manipulation factor into integrity either yours or others instead listen for the needs that are crying to be heard and fulfilled.
Integrity is integrity. Your needs, desires, wants are important to being you, so honor them and in your relationships, honor yourself. Communication of who you are is the only way to begin a real dialogue in your relationships. And is the only way to know the worth and importance of that relationship in your life. People create relationships based on what they need, want and desire. Motivations creating relationships can be of an emotional, physical, mental, spiritual or social nature or any combination of these. Clarifying your motivations and your needs, wants and desires in your relationships can assist in cultivating relationships of integrity. No matter the type of relationship or its length in time, integrity in communication and through action or the lack of it reveals one another’s truth. Each person’s truth as revealed makes possible or not the alignment of the relationship and the potential or actual fulfillment in varying degrees of each other’s needs, wants and desires. The greater the fulfillment, the greater the magnificence of joy, the greater expression of love.
In today’s time of much chaos and illusion, it is best to know and be true to thy own self. This is the first and only step toward creating the life that is YOU, as well as renegotiate the terms of the life you have created in your relationships. If this type of discussion has not taken place, has not been understood clearly or if there has been an influence of change that misaligns the relationship when initially the terms were mutually and consciously agreed upon by those involved, it’s time to take stock. You are accountable for your own life. Integrity is the truth serum of accountability and accountability is your guide toward self-fulfillment. And if you hear yourself saying I know who I am, I don’t need integrity, that is like a person who laments… “I don’t need to breathe to be alive, I don’t need to love and to be loved, to feel fulfilled.” Integrity is the air of life and makes life possible, without it you are lost in the darkness of your own making.
Exercise
As an experiment, look at three significant relationships in your life, including at least one of your parents, and see how they express(ed) their integrity affects or has affected you. Write down 5 examples of their integrity of lack of for each person and how it has affected you.
A.(Name)
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5.
B. (Name)
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5.
C. (Name)
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
What do your perceptions tell you about how you want to be treated, how to treat others and how you want to show up in the world? Sometimes, the courage to be true to yourself and in your relationships is immense. Careful consideration of the dark, may bring the light and sometimes, good enough is just as good as it gets. Be gentle with yourself and with all your relationships as life sometimes can be fragile in our vulnerabilities. May your integrity be found in your love and may your love be fulfilling.
Stephany Lane Yarbrough
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